When someone is yelling at you, the instinctive responses of telling them to calm down or offering a quick apology may actually worsen the situation, according to psychologists and conflict-resolution experts. These reactions, while seemingly aimed at de-escalation, often backfire by either invalidating the other person's emotions or reinforcing that aggressive behavior yields results.
Dr. Lokesh Shahani, an associate professor in the department of psychiatry and behavioral sciences at UTHealth Houston, explains that telling a furious person to calm down typically lands as criticism and rarely works. A knee-jerk apology, he adds, can signal that intimidation is effective, potentially teaching the other person that rage gets results. The goal, experts emphasize, is not to make the other person stop feeling angry but to restore the conditions for a genuine conversation.
Moshe Cohen, a conflict-resolution expert based in Boston, stresses the importance of prioritizing safety. If someone feels physically or emotionally unsafe, threatened, or intimidated, the priority should be ending the conversation and disengaging. In such situations, finding the perfect words is secondary to getting out of harm's way.
One recommended phrase is: «Help me understand what happened from your perspective.» Shahani uses this approach not only during major conflicts but also in everyday disagreements. The phrase makes a single promise—attention—without committing to a solution. Simply signaling a willingness to listen often lowers the other person's defenses, allowing them to explain rather than shout. Cohen, drawing on three decades of mediating workplace disputes, notes that furious individuals are often reacting from deeper feelings of frustration, fear, or disappointment. Asking open-ended questions and listening carefully can uncover the real drivers of the conflict.
Another effective strategy is validation. Psychologists recommend starting with phrases like «I can see how important this is to you» or «I can see why that would be upsetting.» Arela Agako, a clinical psychologist in Toronto, explains that explosive anger is usually a secondary emotion, often masking vulnerability such as fear, shame, or sadness. Validating the emotion—not the behavior—helps the person feel heard without excusing the outburst. For example, a friend angry about canceled plans may actually feel unimportant, or a spouse snapping about dirty dishes may be overwhelmed.
Agreeing with the angry person, even partially, can also de-escalate tension. Rod Mitchell, a psychologist in Calgary, Canada, who specializes in anger management, uses a technique called «disarming.» This involves finding a genuine grain of truth in what the other person is saying and acknowledging it aloud. For instance, if someone is upset because you were late, you might say, «You're right that I should have let you know I was running behind.» This lowers defenses and moves the conversation forward without conceding blame for everything.
Experts caution that these strategies have limits. If the yelling escalates to threats or intimidation, the priority must be personal safety. In such cases, disengaging is the only appropriate response. The overarching advice is to protect one's own boundaries while making the other person feel genuinely heard, creating a pathway from confrontation to constructive dialogue.
